The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A judge ruled that jailed Michael Vick can keep nearly $20 million in bonus money he received from the Atlanta Falcons. Vick was relieved, as he's got a really big dogfight coming up.
Chad Johnson is very upset at the Bengals, making him a true Cincinnati resident.
NHL player Nik Antropov was suspended for 3 games for throwing his stick at officials. Fortunately the stick landed in the stands, where there was no one to injure.
Alyssa Milano has begun to blog for the NHL. Because she ran out of baseball players.
World ice-dancing champion Maxim Staviski has received a 2 1/2-year prison sentence for a drunken driving accident. A guy in a spandex unitard in prison. Nothing could go wrong there.
Former Olympic canoeing champion Frantisek Capek has died of an unspecified heart problem at the age of 93. Doctors could have saved him if they hadn't tragically reached for the wrong paddles.
Ballers Latrell Sprewell and Glen Rice have both had assault charges against them dropped. Maybe Johnnie Cochrane isn't dead after all.
The Toronto Raptors tied a franchise record with a 39-point victory. Shockingly, it was not against the Knicks.
Bob Knight officially resigned, having finally thrown his last chair.
And Chuck Knoblauch said his involvement in the steroid investigation has been blown way out of proportion. Like Roger Clemens' head.
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