The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
New York Giants leading rusher Derrick Ward is out with a leg injury. Ward's leg is so weak, doctors briefly mistook it for Eli Manning's arm.
The Lions' Roy Williams may be out for the season. Detroit will have to replace him with one of their other 742 wide receivers.
Ricky Williams' season ended after he tore a chest muscle. Williams will spend the next few weeks trying to convince his doctor it was due to glaucoma.
Tom Petty will play at half-time of the Super Bowl, dedicating "Don't Come Around Here No More" to the Miami Dolphins.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR's most popular driver by internet users for the fifth straight year. Earnhardt is well liked by both NASCAR fans that own computers.
Tony La Russa pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. The Cardinal manager admitted to falling asleep at the wheel last year, and also driving under the influence.
Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods. Yes, Dick's bought Chick's. Every possible domain name for their new company is already taken.
Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they're already starting to smell like glue.
For the second time, Bobby Knight has been accused of shooting someone while hunting. Next week, Knight will be announcing his candidacy for Vice President.
And the New York Knicks lost to the Celtics by 45 points, barely beating the spread.
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