The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Harrah's has announced that it intends to build an arena in Las Vegas capable of housing an NBA team. Tim Donaghy has already volunteered to referee all 41 home games.
The Houston Rockets have made a contract offer to defensive specialist Dikembe Mutombo. The offer is for one year or six points, whichever comes first.
Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be a cast member of Dancing With the Stars. We're not sure how he'll be able to stay on his feet while they're constantly in his mouth.
A judge has set bond at $5 million each for the two men accused of robbing Antoine Walker's home. Ironically, that's almost as much money as Walker stole from the Heat last season.
Barry Bonds was honored in San Francisco when the mayor presented him with the key to the city. Given Bonds' popularity, we're surprised he didn't just leave the key under the mat. Next up is a visit to the Wizard to finally get a heart.
Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelpon invented a new pitch: a combination cutter and slider that he calls a slutter. The pitch is also known as "The Paris Hilton."
After being cut by the Padres, David Wells has joined the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Dodgers are looking forward to increased sales of Dodger Dogs. However, fans are complaining about the loss of a handicapped parking spot.
And Gary Sheffield will miss several games with a sore shoulder. Sheffield has already come out against the shoulder for being racist.
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