The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
In Nashville, DUI charges against former Titan QB Steve McNair have been dropped. Much like all the Titans passes.
The Carolina Panthers have signed Philippe Gardent, a former member of the French national bobsled team. Which is perfect in case the Panthers win it all, because Hell would have frozen over.
French long jumper Salim Sdiri was accidentally hit with a javelin at an athletics meet in Rome. Hey, hole in one!
In baseball, David Wells has been suspended seven games for arguing with an umpire. We're just happy Wells didn't eat him.
The New York Mets have designated 48-year-old infielder Julio Franco for assignment. To Shady Pines retirement home.
The Phillies became the first team in pro sports team to lose 10,000 games. Don't worry Raider fans, you've still got the only team to lose by 10,000 points.
Longtime major league umpire Shag Crawford has died at the age of 90. Dozens of managers assembled to kick dirt on his coffin.
Astros manager Phil Garner has said he's willing to use voodoo to get into the head of Cubs' right-hander Carlos Zambrano. Why bother? All Michael Barrett needed was his right fist.
Last weekend at the WNBA All-Star game, Nike donated $25,000 worth of merchandise to kids in DC. That's right - three pairs of shoes!
And NBA top pick Greg Oden will miss the next 3 weeks. Not because he's getting his tonsils removed, but because he's already fouled out.
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